How to talk to your teen

Talking to your teen about your concerns that he or she has an eating disorder will probably be hard. Be prepared. Your teen will probably deny he or she has a problem.

Let your teen know that the discussion is not optional. Set a time to talk with your teen and open the conversation in a loving and gentle manner. Avoid accusations or judgments but be persistent in expressing your concerns. Talk in “I” sentences (for example, “I am concerned for you.”). Avoid “you” statements (for example, “You are sneaking food.”).

Often, it helps simply to let your teen know that you are there to help and support him or her. Realize your teen is facing many changes and social pressures. Your main role may be to listen.

Here are some tips to help your teen develop a healthy attitude toward food and exercise:

• Provide the best example you can with your own habits for healthy eating and exercise.
• Show your teen that you accept your own body. Don’t complain about your own weight or refer to yourself as fat.
• Show acceptance for different body shapes and sizes. Don’t criticize other people’s weight or physical appearance.
• Teach your teen that the media isn’t real life. The media shows only thin models and “perfect” people when real people come in all shapes and sizes.
• Avoid commenting on your teen’s weight or physical appearance.
• Provide lots of healthy food options in your home.
• Talk about the benefits of physical activity to stay healthy and strong, not to lose weight.
• Build your teen’s self-esteem and self-respect. Compliment your teen on his or her efforts. Ask for your teen’s opinion. Encourage him or her to pursue talents and interests.

Another technique that can be helpful when interacting with your Teen around their anorexia is Externalising The Problem:

Separating the eating disorder from the individual can be a helpful and powerful treatment strategy. 

Derived from Narrative Therapy practices this strategy can help both you and your loved one understand that this does not mean that your loved one is absolved of any responsibility to challenge the eating disorder, but rather, they are not to blame for it and neither are you.

By using externalisation you can reinforce that it is the eating disorder which needs to be challenged and changed.  This prevents your loved one experiencing feelings of criticism and blame.

Eating disorders thrive on control.  Adopting an uncritical attitude is important as feelings of criticism and hostility can lead to increased eating disorder symptoms.

Reasons To Use Externalisation

• It helps to focus on the illness not the person.
• It allows us to form an alliance with the person not the illness.
• Reminds us that there is a healthy self that is free from eating disorder feelings/thoughts/behaviours.
• Enables parent/carers to distinguish between eating disorder behaviours, thoughts, feelings and their loved one, in turn enabling parent/carer to stand strong against the eating disorder while remaining compassionate and kind to their loved one.
• Assists in creating an opportunity for parent/carer and loved one to be on the same page fighting for health without the eating disorder
• Can assist your loved one in being accountable for their own recovery – by learning to disagree with and fight the eating disorder mindset.

How to use Externalisation?

When communicating with, talking or thinking about your loved one try externalising the eating disorder by referring to it as a separate to them.

Sometimes people find it helpful to give the eating disorder a specific name such as ED or Anna, however, this is up to the individual/family.

When your loved one is engaging in challenging behaviours particularly around food or exercise, ask yourself whether you are seeing the eating disorder or your loved one. This can help you determine when and where to act to support your loved one. It can also help you to remain calm in the face of conflict

Examples:

Rather than saying “I feel that you are being very difficult this evening. Try externalising…“I feel that the eating disorder (or ED) is making it hard for you this evening.”

Sometimes individuals might find externalising dismissive or invalidating of their experience. Others may not like the eating disorder being separated as it means that they are not bound to the eating disorder, and they may feel threatened by this.  If you receive a negative response to externalising the eating disorder be confident, clear and consistent in how you respond, “I love you very much.  I am sorry it distresses you to hear me separate the eating disorder from you when you feel so closely intertwined with it.  However, it helps me to stay calm and support you when things get tough.” Should externalizing the eating disorder be particularly distressing for your teen, it can be helpful for a parent or carer to simply think this, without verbalizing it.

Recovery Is Possible

It is important to remember that recovery is possible. Some teens will take longer than others and the risk of relapse is always possible. Numerous adolescents do, however, overcome anorexia fully and leave the eating disorder behind them.

Anita Sommers

Systemic Psychotherapist

Seeking further support? Access our live webinars specifically addressing the concerns of parents and carers here:

https://theeatingdisorderpsychologist.com/courses-for-parents-and-carers/